my back is tingly, and other things about me...

The muscles in my shoulders sometimes feel pins-and-needlesey with my continued efforts to improve my posture and prevent becoming a hunchback. The latest and greatest development is sleeping without pillows. It's hard, but it keeps me flat on my back at night rather than tightly scrunching up my pillows between my neck and shoulder (I sleep on my side every night). The difference is dramatic in how I feel the next day.

What is this tension in my body/mind that makes even sleep an act of straining?

I've been reflecting lately (all the time) on: (1) How much the idea of what is in the future - what I'm supposed to do with my life, the contribution I'm supposed to make to the world, the things I want to experience and enjoy, etc, etc. - stresses me out; (2) How much I want to change about myself to make myself an ideal person (someone who can easily and gracefully accomplish the aforementioned in #1); and (3) How much about me has changed in the last five months and the fact that I can't claim to be responsible for that much of it.

It's becoming more and more natural for me to relax and be happy with myself. I don't know if it always requires this, but for me, much of what has brought this reality to me has been through being alone. That is, even when I am around other people, I am not totally myself. It isn't naturally easy for me to breathe easy. I want to perform, be a certain way, present a certain version of me...a little Mr. Awesome that everyone will like and want to be like (or Ms. Awesome I guess). I've always carried around this insecurity in some capacity, but being moved out of "my territory" where I felt most comfortable saying whatever I wanted to say and being whatever I wanted to be and being transplanted into a whole new world and culture where I am anonymous has made me acutely aware of how self-conscious I am. I call where I work "the awkward office" sometimes because of how uncomfortable it is some afternoons to hear nothing but the sound of my own voice leaving the same phone message over and over without a word from any other human being in the room.

I didn't realize how much having close friends means until I went to Indiana in June to shoot a friend's wedding and felt physically lighter from the relief of being around girls I cherished whom I knew cherish really know me. And though I have found an incredible community with incredible people who have welcomed me generously, it is still a beginning. And like building a structure, I can't even think about the brick until the concrete's finished drying...I'm not even sure if I'm finished pouring it, or if the frame has been built around it. How do I know if I'm being honest about who I am if I don't know who I am? I've got to become comfortable with what's inside this skin.

And, there is also a new peace flowing from the truth that the world is not in need of me. If I were to die tomorrow, God's plan would not be jeopardized. I'm starting to take on the philosophy that I should only seek to change the world if I'm just doing it for fun. I take my own existence too seriously. Life is a gift from God. My consciousness, my days, my experience of the world is almost wastefully extravagant. It didn't start with me, it isn't going to end with me. My only obligation is to be a good steward of this very moment. Doing that seems to mean many things, but the main things, I think, are: being fully myself (this is integrity), being thankful for what I can't control or take credit for, and being honest and diligent with what I can (faithfulness). This, I think, is what it means to gain your life by losing.

The Kingdom of heaven is "at hand." It is "in your midst." It's as close as the next breath, this moment we are in ahorita. Everything else has already met its end - Christ said, "It is finished."

That is good news.

"Jesus is there, staying out of the way, loving me. Telling me always, whispering in my ear, 'I love you. You are living in a lie - perfection and power do not exist. Imperfection and dependency is all there is. That is the place where everyone lives, and it is beautiful - it is freedom. Oh yeah, there is something else: I love you.'

I have discovered that this love only remains a secret because I cannot hear what Jesus is saying. But Jesus does not get mad; Jesus does not talk louder; Jesus just keeps telling me secrets in my ear, 'I love you. It is OK to be you. I love you.' Jesus is not impatient, because Jesus believes one day I will hear. He believes that the love of God will not go unheard forever, that it will seep into my bones and fill the air around me until one day I will hear it. And when I hear something and turn around, I will see Jesus standing there, smiling."
-the uncontrollable love of God, by russell rathbun