"there's nothing harder than learning how to receive..."

A quote from an OvertheRhine song that rings true to me...

I've been receiving a lot of things for free lately. Namely...free room and board (awesome - thank you lovely Aunt and Uncle). Free food (again...). Free rides home when I miss the bus because I was not paying attention to the time (thanks friends - you know who you are). Tonight I got a free bike! from a girl at church whom I met a few weeks ago and whose name I forgot, and re-met her tonight...she gave me a bike, right at the time I was needing it (ehh hem, Capital Metro - let's get this strike settled for our drivers soon?). <---does anyone know if I need to put a period there, since I already punctuated the inside of the parenthetical?

Receiving shows me that I have a lot of pride. I want to even out the scales and not owe anyone anything. Which is sort of fine...I mean, it's a good check to keep me from becoming irresponsible and taking advantage of people. But I have always disliked receiving things. I even hated having people make us food and do chores for us when my dad died; I don't like the vulnerability of a position of need.

I don't like that position but it's the only one where I can see Christ and eat His bread.

Other thoughts:
Not that I am criticizing the preacher who spoke at liturgy tonight (who really preached his message - like it was something in his veins, not just a regurgitation of something he appreciated in an academic or theoretical sort of way), but....lately I've been hearing a lot of "calls to action." Pleas to be involved politically, call the senator/local representative and let our voice be heard (not to knock last year's ATF tour theme name) on issues that affect culture, ranging from morality (the culture war) to social justice and advocating for the needs of the poor. Perhaps I'm feeling a little like I've been desensitized by the "go-out-and-change-the-world" rhetoric that I've heard unceasingly for years at TM. And, to be clear, I am definitely an advocate for actually using our civil liberties and doing such things, because we really do have that power as the people, and most nations do not. But what I was contemplating during the message tonight was... should we want to take action before anything else? Before we do that shouldn't we ask ourselves, "Why?" Why is it in me to do this? Is it really in me? When I drive past homeless people, do I feel that little tinge of guilt, like "What should I do/should I do anything?" because I care about them and who they are, or because I don't want to think of myself as a bad person?

I don't think people have been as bad about doing this at TM anymore, but I used to always see these signs posted in different ministry units - maybe by someone's team captain who was really enthused about firing up his or her team - that would spout statistics on how many people are going to hell every hour that we don't spend doing something to evangelize the world. Aside from being steeped in a lot of what I think is bad theology, this sort of motivation is...well, selfish. "How could you live with yourself if you don't tell people the good news? Could you even sleep at night?" Is news that I need to be compelled by guilt to tell really good news to me at all? If I really am satisfied by what is at the table, isn't inviting others to join me sort of...natural?

Tony Herring gave this great message at SOMA about the idea of "seeing the people." When Jesus fed the multitudes, it says, "He saw the people..." I don't think I really do this. I don't see people. I don't see the poor. I see poverty...I see an institution. An institution that can be abstracted and debated and talked about and even acted upon feverishly...but Jesus didn't see an institution. He saw the people.

How can I love my neighbor (any neighbor) as myself...if I can't even see past myself to see them?

"Love's no politician...it listens carefully."
-Derek Webb

Save me from my condition