When I Grow Up

I've never been able to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When I was in pre-school my class sat in a circle and we had sharing time. We all shared what we wanted to be when we grew up. My dad was a photographer. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I decided to be clever. When it came to my turn in the circle, I said very innocently and convincingly that I wanted to "shoot people" like my dad...

"With a camera," I said, after a dramatic pause, smiling not a bit mischievously.

I tend to be overly ambitious. I am goal-oriented and freakishly hard-working and when I set my mind to something and am really sure about it, you can't stop me from doing it. But the sureness part is usually hard to come by. I deliberate over ideals, frantically trying to decide which possibilities will satisfy each meticulous little detail I see as criteria for success (which equates to perfection). I often get distracted from consistency by my mind's tendency to wander and dream and ask, "What would it be like to..." It has been a huge source of frustration, as those close to me know.

I get this feeling like the clouds just broke and all is clear, "Yes, this is what I am supposed to do..." Then I get the same feeling of inspiration 2 weeks later about something different.

I'm not sure if I have all the right motives driving me toward the right path in life. Maybe that is the point, though. To discover something greater than an ideal. To realize that, "Life is for living." It didn't start with me and it won't end with me, so why am I so worried about making the ideal contribution to it?

The only thing I do know for sure is that I love life - today. I love waking up every morning and making coffee and a breakfast taco. I love riding the bus to school and watching all the students ride or walk or pass from class to class (but I don't love seeing them on facebook in class...hello, are you paying for this?) I love my church, the folks I know, the folks I ought to try harder to get to know, the simplicity of God's presence in our liturgy times and the down-to-earth fun and generosity I've found in relating to friends through dinner groups, book discussions, and over cups of coffee. I love how people from church will ask me how my job is and ask about my boss or about my family members by name. I love going to Keith's after school and cleaning or doing the dishes or driving around Austin (I don't get so lost anymore!) or taking Schatzi for a walk or to the bank where everyone ooohs and ahhhs and comments on what a cute little dog she is. I love taking my own dogs for walks and runs and watching them nearly foam at the mouth with excitement over running beside me and me being one of the pack. I love discussing philosophy and academia and the possibilities of law school (ha ha - possibilities uncle gary is trying to manifest by telling 2 people a day) with my aunt and uncle over dinner. I even love doing the dishes after dinner. I love doing homework - even the most tedious grammar homework. I love slicing tomatoes to make myself a sandwich and daydreaming of being able to grow my own vegetables someday. I love taking people's pictures and knowing that even though I'm not the best photographer and I'm a sharp critic and will probably think it looks like crap that they somehow enjoy it and appreciate it (and sometimes pay money for it and tell their friends that I'm good). There's really not a lot that I don't love about my life right now. Really.

I'm beginning to think that this - this wildness, this joy, this passion for the moment and contentment with who I am and the gift of aliveness that God has given me for today...this is nearer to the kingdom than I have ever been. And it is here that I can be in the position to receive and give the mercy of his body and blood to reconcile the world and unite all things together under him.

Amen. Let your kingdom come!