Worry

I have finally discovered that worry is a mechanism of my own making which controls my ability to choose whether or not to be happy.

I used to look at my worry and think there was a way to make it disappear: by fixing some external problem. If I fixed whatever I was worried about - whatever I feel I need control over - I could eliminate the worry. (Like, I am worried that I have too many clothes...I am a shallow, spendthrift American. I need to get rid of some of this stuff). And before I know it I'm abandoning homework or eating lunch or whatever I was doing, going through my closet. I find it very hard to pay attention to my friends when we're sitting around talking. I'm stuck in my head, worrying about something that needs to be done or changed or fixed.

The worry itself creates a worry (oh no, I am worried - worry is bad! I am bad!). Thinking I can eliminate worry only compounds the problem. The worry is its own immutable monster, an unconquerable beast. The only way to beat it is to realize that it will always be there, and to try to laugh at it instead of trying to appease it.

I have been reading about GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and have diagnosed myself with it. I know we live in a diagnosis happy age, but, hell...it really feels good to put a name to something. It also feels good to know that it's not a moral issue. I'm not a bad person. I'm just very tightly wound.

I thought about starting a blog to talk about the ways I've been dealing with my worry, but I've been to worried about how to write it... (that's a joke. I just haven't had time to start it. Plus, I have this blog already, and that's enough to keep track of). I've been taking this herb called Rhodiola Rosea and it has been like a life saver to me. I feel much more calm and, well sort of...unmotivated. But for me, that's good. Normally I cannot get myself to slow down.

I have also been trying to spend time in the morning just sitting and being quiet while I eat my breakfast. It also helps tremendously to write. I find that if I go for very long without doing these things, I start to build up to intense emotions of freaking out, and that's not good. But it's good to know that it's preventable.

I also pray. Prayer changes my perspective more than anything and gives me a better view of reality. It takes me outside of myself. I realize that I am not that important. My life is not that crucial. It is ok to just be.