Musings in Scotland

I'm sitting in a hostel in Glasgow. It's pretty cool. There is a disco ball on the ceiling and techno music playing. The room is fine - a hostel room with three double bunks. I'm just stopping here for the night on my way to the Isle of Mull for my visit to Duart Castle over the next two days. I'm going to the Castle MacLean!

I'm learning so many life lessons. One is: Never lie. Even the littlest lies cause you to lie further to cover your ass. Just don't lie.

Don't be worried about what other people think about you. Don't be worried that everyone else knows more than you somehow. They probably don't. Everyone else is experiencing this current moment of their existence for the very first time. Time and even age mean so much less than we think they mean. Consciousness is something altogether different.

I just have to figure out what it is I really want in life.

I really used to think that I was single-handedly responsible for saving the world. Like everything was all on me - revolutionizing EVERYTHING somehow. Man. Now I just want to sit at home and have a cup of coffee and...blog. I don't want to do anything! I feel I've lost some motivation, but in a sense it is good. My motivation before was driven by fear. Now I am being freed in order to be able to see what my real desires are and dream based off of that passion deep inside me. I don't have to be afraid.

I can, like Maculay Culkin in Home Alone, run out the front door and yell, "HEY! YOU HEAR ME?? I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!" (except unlike him in the movie I won't see the old man shoveling the sidewalks and scream and run back inside all scared. Ok, I might, but I'll just come back out again once I've gotten over that fright).

Seeing plays has really made me want to get involved in the theatre. I used to love being in plays in high school. I gave it up because I had this complex about doing things for God and spending all my time focusing on "ministry." Whatever I thought that was. I don't know....I don't understand how I could have really thought that giving up the things I enjoyed was somehow a service to God. But whatever, I am done being mad at myself for that. I am who I am because of the choices I have made and what God's mercy has shaped in my character out of it. A sadder but wiser girl I am...I am...

I also know that I need to be playing the guitar and singing and writing songs again. I need to set up a little recording studio in my house wherever I live next. (Wherever I live...now there's an idea, living somewhere - a locale, base, a location. Hmmm).

I need to be doing photography. I want to be doing photography. I want to be doing weddings. I've realized that I really LOVE the aesthetics of a wedding. I would love to be a wedding coordinator or planner or creative designer or something of that sort. I don't even know how to break into that. I just need to start.

I just need to start being creative, and actually executing my creativity. I need to be able to be independent and support myself and create my own schedule. I want to be able to travel.

I want to learn an artistic craft in a focused, disciplined way. Actually, I want to learn many artistic crafts. But I ought to start with photography, since that is sort of the one I'm the most devoted to the mechanics of already, and it is going to provide me with more money and flexibility to do the rest of the things I want to do.

I'm really excited to start living in Seattle / Seattle-esque. I feel that it is a new day. It's a new day!

Ok.